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  • Todd Puhl

Movie Review: True Memoirs of an International Assassin

Updated: May 28, 2019

The Mall Cop and King of Queens star, Kevin James, decides to throw his name in the Netflix Originals pool to see if he can spark his fading career one last time. Sorry buddy should have taken the cue from the flops that Adam Sandler is pushing out. And to think, Sandler still has 2 more..

I will treat this as an open letter,

Dear Kevin James,

I thought you were hilarious on King of Queens. I am unsure if it is because you had a great supporting cast that really helped you along or if you were actually hilarious. I would like to say that is the performance that is the most memorable in a positive light. But like everyone else on the small screen, you took the leap to the big screen. I recall the first film I watched called Paul Blart Mall Cop. It wasn’t that horrible. But that doesn’t say much. I have seen a ton of horrible films that made me want to bleach my retina’s and demand a refund for my time back.

The saving grace for that film was the similar film that came out around that time called “To Observe and Protect” with Seth Rogan. That film was so bad, it made Paul Blart seem an award winning film. And then somehow a sequel for this film was made. I dodged that like the plague. I know there was another film about being running a zoo or something but I chose to dodge that one as well. I read the reviews and apparently I was in the right for doing so. Also, Here comes the Boom? Only Bas Rutten was hilarious in that film. Bas is talented in 2 things. Murdering is opponent in MMA and murdering the english language.

Which brings us to the main event of this letter. The Netflix Original, Memoirs of an International Assassin. You play a character named Sam Larson who has a 9-5 job but is secretly working on his epic assassin novel. However, he is so boring in his own life, he has a hard time imagining and writing decent lines. He hangs out with a retired CIA agent who in a moment of confidence told him about an assassin named the Ghost(very generic name) and how he disappeared after an impressive kill count. He tells Sam not to write about it. Of course he does and submits his book to multiple publishers. He didn’t seem to get any luck with the book until months later when this online publishing purchases his book and changes from FICTION to NON FICTION.

Legal ramifications and banter aside, Sam is kidnapped and flown to I think Venezuela(dozed off) to be hired as an assassin. However, no one believes him that he is the ghost. He comes across a CIA operative who convinces him to play the role of the ghost in exchange for a flight home. Now, he is pitted against rival factions to assassinate each other’s leaders annnnnnd that’s when I turned it off.

I called BS on so many things on this film, that my brain was literally melting out of skull as if I opened the Arc of the Covenant and peered inside. I almost turned on the film Manos: Hands of Fate so I can be so disgusted that this films existence would be wiped from memory and I would be a vegetable for life. I know my critique is getting very rough there but here is some points I will touch on:

· No Publishing Company can legally change the type of book to suit their needs. That’s how lawsuits happen in America

· If Said Publishing Company did, you would probably make more money suing them if they don’t change it than sales on book

· No Terrorist faction or person for that matter would ever read a book and believe it. I would like to hope there was actually research being completed

· If the CIA was aware that an innocent was kidnapped due to wrongfully being identified, I doubt they would laugh about it

· A person of Kevin James size would never be taken seriously as an assassin. So why does everyone think he is?

Yes it is a comedy, but it wasn’t funny. This genre of movies died for the most part years ago. Last year Small to big screen Star(which I use the word star loosely) Melissa McCarthy made a similar movie called Spy. It was not funny until the last 15 minutes when acted like her loudmouth typecast character she normally is. Films like Johnny English and Austin Powers are funny in this type of genre. This film, not so much.

Kevin, don’t be like Sandler. Pick and choose your films that best suit you. With only watching 30 minutes of this film because I couldn’t take it, it was clearly evident this film was not for you, or for anyone for that matter.

#netflix #KevinJames #truememoirsofaninternationalAssassin

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